I see your fear creeping around you
First love, then hate, then love, no, wait
Your confusion, it’s gonna kill me
I broke for you, I woke for you
You taught me through, God love you,
I see the signs are out of line
No fault of mine
— OneRepublic, Something’s Not Right Here
There’s none of those huge waves of disappointment and excuses. Her breaths come easily. It feels scary; it’s the Great Unknown, because she’s based what feels like an entire lifetime on the one person who’s still very dear to her but feels inconsequential in her personal life now. She’s ashamed. She’s let herself live a fairytale that she now sees was a safety buoy for the reality that she was too afraid to allow herself to touch. It couldn’t be controlled. It still can’t, but she’s learned that you can’t stay locked in a fantasy forever. Reality always comes knocking and, if you won’t press pause on your dreams in order to deal with it, then you’ll be hurt ten times worse than if you do. These mistakes only serve to strengthen you. Sarah is her own woman and she’s now free to make her own decisions. Damn all the consequences; she’s woman enough to take them in spades… And also to find out exactly who she is.
Freedom… It all feels odd rushing through her, but there’s quiet as well. Quiet and looser limbs. That particular, latter feeling calls forth a barrage of memories about letting go and tasting freedom with him like she’d never tapped before, yet she’s desperate to ignore them for the moment. She needs to breathe. Take a step back. Shake out the kinks from a faulty system that she’s got to re-engineer to be who she is somewhere within herself. Because goodness knows they were good together, but he could stiffen her up at the touch of a word, too.
If it means shutting out a blood-deep yearning, Sarah tells herself it’s only necessary to cleanse her muddled mind.
God knows she still wants hi – Quiet, she urges herself, and quickly obliges the command. Sigh. Quiet again.
It’s so much easier to view things from an objective point of view now that she’s taken control of her movie again. Its production is currently stuck on pause. It needs a change in direction. Something a little more real, but not so insipid that it bores her to tears. More suited to her, and less painful.